Last week I ended my two month stint of out-of-the-home work that I do every winter. And by work, I mean part-time fun, because I absolutely love my job and working four hours a day is quite luxurious in my opinion. I am quite fortunate.
But MAN! I take off my hat to all mothers who work outside the home. Having two little humans ages four and under to care for, a house to maintain, bills to pay, birthdays to celebrate, doctors to visit, groceries to buy...these things don't stop when you work. They are just there waiting for you when you get home!
My house has a layer of grime that would probably qualify if for the Guinness Book of World Records most disgustingest habitat. (I even needed to make my own word for you to fully understand just how bad my home's condition has become.)
This last weekend, we had to bring in reinforcements.
While working, not much brain space was left for me to be creative, imaginative, productive...
Writing took a backseat each evening to watching Friday Night Lights (Why did we wait so LONG to begin watching this show? Please tell me, PLEASE? I love you Riggins!) and conducting "research" on writing. Thank goodness for this opportunity for research. I am so grateful to have found these resources, but holy moly... I am so ashamed!
I just finished reading Noah Lukeman's, How to Write a Great Query Letter. In the time it took me to finish the book, I think I managed to create a permanent red mark on my too-big, forehead from all of the Homer Simpson "D'OH!", head slaps I felt compelled to make. Just how many mistakes have I made in submitting query letters? Well, how many query letters have I sent out? About a gazillion.
SO EMBARRASSED.
In the book, there is a checklist at the end entitled, "30 Mistakes to Avoid in Your Query Letter".
I could seriously post it here and retitle that sucker to say, "The 30 Mistakes I Made in EVERY Query Letter I Have EVER Sent".
Now I get it.
So you're not supposed to...
-mention how your kids loved the story and that you are qualified to write because you have spent countless hours as a mother reading books in that genre? (cringe)
-make self deprecating jokes? (double cringe)
-email the agent back making casual conversation after they send you a friendly letter of rejection? (double cringe squared)
Oh man. Growing really does hurt.
I now need to deeply apologize to all the unagented children's literature authors and illustrators in the world....I have a confession to make...
I, Elizabeth Stevens Omlor, am personally responsible (well, most probably) for the closing of submissions for several popular literary agencies, due to my numerous, amateur-status queries submitted on a regular basis over the last seven months! Eeek!
Cue guttural sobs.
Deep breath. Exhalation. Sigh. Relief.
I feel much better after getting that off my chest!
Well...maybe.
So sorry.
I have nothing else for you other than the promise to do it the right way the next time.
LOL. Nothing else to say. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Diane. :)
DeleteHILARIOUS post! Don't take it so hard, though. I started out submitting on paper printed with clouds in the background, except when I used the paper printed with rainbows in the background! Maybe we should go into the Author-Protection-Program together. We could change our names, alter our appearance, and move to Antarctica, or someplace where there's no Internet. Anyway, I eventually switched to white paper and got published. There's hope! Otherwise call me, and we'll check the flights to Antarctica.....
ReplyDeleteHa! I love the idea of the Author Protection Program! You smart lady you! I'm in! I love cold weather too, so Anarctica works for me! Thanks for the hope. :)
DeleteWell said and great illustrations too.
ReplyDeleteThanks Stacey!
DeleteEveryone starts somewhere. Now you know for your next batch of queries. I highly doubt that you are responsible for the closing of unsolicited queries at pub houses - they get a zillion ridiculous letters from people saying, "I am the next JK Rowling." and "When my book becomes a movie, does your publishing house get a cut in the royalty?" Seriously. By reading the book about how to write a query, you have made the first step. Now go get an ice pack for that noggin and write some great queries! (Oh, and put a note under the pic from Dawson's Creek that he had the worst fake cry face in the history of television.)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for your kind words Alison! I have an ice pack in hand and I am ready to go! Well, almost....
DeleteWell, now when you do get published you can feature yourself on Banana Peel Thursday!! We all have those red-faced moments.
ReplyDeleteCan't wait to feature myself! In fact, I think I will be a regular contributor!
DeleteDon't feel bad :) We all have to start somewhere, and making mistakes is how you learn, right? Now that you know what not to do, you'll probably snag an agent your next time out :)
ReplyDeleteThanks Susanna! Now I must ask if fortune telling is another talent of yours...that would just be lovely! :) Thanks so much for your support. It means so much! P.S. ordering a Susanna Leonard Hill classic through Scholastic! So excited!
DeleteI have a close friend who thinks she's pretty good at predicting spring. Does that count as fortune telling? :) And thank you for ordering - you're the best :)
DeleteWe have to have grace for ourselves, or we'd all quit before we really got started! Being able to post this on your blog means that you have one of the most important qualities in a successful writer: being able to put ourselves out there even if it means others will see us fail.
ReplyDeleteAnd I really, really miss Friday Night Lights. I wish I could go back and watch it all again for the first time. Enjoy!
Thanks Amy! It is really scary being " out there " but it is so amazing having the support from others like you! Thanks so much!
DeleteAww. It happens to everyone in some way. On the bright side, you figured things out. Not everyone does. :)
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Dana! :)
DeleteSo you're the one!! Just kiddin'.... thanks for giving us a laugh... I am still working on my query, so this helps me out big time.. I know not to say the cats love my story! :)
ReplyDeleteHa! You're funny! Glad to be of service!:)
DeleteToo funny Elizabeth! LOL
ReplyDeleteThanks Julie.:)
DeleteROFLOL! So laughing with you, Bananabeth :D
ReplyDeleteWe've all slipped on something at sometime.
I am so glad to know I have smone to laugh with me! Thanks so much!:)
DeleteHilarious! Thanks for making me smile today!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for stopping by Eric! Glad it made you smile =)
ReplyDeleteVery funny post, Elizabeth.
ReplyDeleteI, Natasha Yim, do absolve you of all literary sins...as I've had to absolve myself over the years, and read tons of books and magazine articles like you...and oh yes, go to writer's conferences and learn the craft...and join SCBWI and learn more. Writing is a process...and the learning never ends. But that's why we all chose to be in this business. If we could get to a point where we know everything and stop having banana peelin' moments...well, what fun would that be?
Thanks Natasha! You are exactly right in my opinion! The slips make life interesting. And if they didn't happen, how could we appreciate any little successes without our heads swelling to the size of Pluto?
DeleteSeriously funny! In my first round of queries, I didn't even include a writing sample, just a cover letter. I had read everywhere not to include your manuscript. I didn't realize they weren't talking about picture book manuscripts. Needless to say, I received a whole bunch of no-replies.
ReplyDeleteOh my gosh Hannah! Thanks for sharing! Man, it hurts! =)Glad we aren't alone!
DeleteHang in there, Bananabeth! It takes time to find the right agent and publisher- especially in today's changing and competitive publishing world. Bravo to you for your wonderful humor and honesty!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much Iza! I am trying to learn how to be more patient. I think it is working. =)
Delete